High-quality punditry from Howard Kurtz:

• If Kerry wins all seven states...
  • The pundits will declare the race over, with just over 10 percent of the delegates selected, and start chattering about what kind of acceptance speech Kerry needs to deliver at the convention this summer in Boston.
  • ABC and CNN will retire their costly campaign buses and make their reporters travel by bicycle.
  • "Dateline" will launch an investigation of the grave allegation that Kerry has used Botox....
  • Business Week will investigate the Heinz ketchup fortune. ...
• If Edwards wins South Carolina:
  • In a transparent effort to keep the race alive, the anchors (who are camped out in South Carolina because they like the restaurants in Charleston) will cast it as a groundbreaking victory....
  • Newsweek will run a cover story on how niceness is in.
  • Time will run a cover story on the rise of the New South.
  • U.S. News will run a cover story on the Civil War....
• If Howard Dean wins any state:
  • The same pundits who dismissed Dean as a gadfly last year, then insisted he was unstoppable, then pronounced last rites after Iowa and New Hampshire, will be buzzing about a Dean comeback. They will do so without a trace of embarrassment.
  • The New York Times will run a front-page analysis titled "The Scream: Was It a Blessing in Disguise?"
  • Seventeen thousand bloggers will post screeds with the same approximate theme: We told you so....
• If Wesley Clark wins Oklahoma:
  • The boys on the bus will start saluting when the general boards.
  • GQ will run a spread with preppy models on the importance of argyle sweaters....
• No matter what happens: The pundits will start chanting that it's not too late for Hillary.