Valentines day card writing advice from Mr. Mustard:

You can include a note if you like. To make the note, tear a teeny tiny rectangle of resume paper. I'm not sure why this works. The torn edges make it a "craft"... and doing crafts against your will IS A DEMONSTATION OF AFFECTION. Then write what you want on the note. Here are things to avoid:

1. Don't mention blowjobs
2. For that matter, best not to mention sex
3. Don't apologize for coming home drunk and stinking up the bed
4. Don't try to write a poem
5. Don't say "sincerely"
6. Draw a little doodle border because DRAWING LITTLE DOODLES IS A DEMONSTRATION OF AFFECTION
7. Use her real name, not your nickname for her (i.e. "Fats")